Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.