You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
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Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.