Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
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I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
saw this in a dream
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
are they though??
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Polite kitties have good etiquecat