[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.