[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.