I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
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my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
🤣dope
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put