There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Don’t touch that.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.