I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
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My apathy is at an all time whatever.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.