You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Dance like you’re not the father
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys