Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
subtitles are so good nowadays
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody