Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.