Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
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Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number