Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You Might Also Like
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
This is Sparta
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?