[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
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I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.