doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
very niche meme I made
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.