I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: my friends:
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
there’s probably a fee though
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly