COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
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It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.