Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
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Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
#catsoftwitter
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.