Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
handsome & gretel
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
how it started vs how it ended
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine