Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
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first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Kids, do not try this at home!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no