My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Natural selection at its finest
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.