BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You Might Also Like
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️