VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh