“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another