[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
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The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
tell em, edith-anne
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!