My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Ken is short for chicken
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.