Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.