me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.