Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
So glad we cleared that up
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
so this horse walks into a bar
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.