I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
no their not
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Ovenable?