I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Just say no
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Ironic
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.