There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
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He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
i- i did not expect this
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it