I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??