I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
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How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.