Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.