Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.