4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then