*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart