Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.