Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
getting corrected
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?