I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*