It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
“That’s what” – She
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.