seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
You Might Also Like
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
PLOT TWIST:
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.