Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.