Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
just gave your address to some spiders
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle