I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
WHY?!
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.