my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”