Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does