Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
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August 8
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
HERE’S MARKY
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“We will wed,” I threatened
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
☺️
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Admin smashed it 😂
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like