I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
You Might Also Like
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
hey, alexa
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.